Nice scarf!
So I woke up this morning with a very strong urge to remove my veil.
Yes, I sometimes feel that I have made the wrong decision... yes I have a brain that questions :) can you believe it?
I got up, took a shower, and decided to take it one step at a time.
I combed my hair, put on my cloths, made the bed, put on my shoes... still, the urge was there. I read a few verses of Quran and opened the window to drive some fresh air into the apartment.
I looked outside the open window. The sky was full of clouds, and the weather was not very encouraging. Honestly, if it were up to me, I would have gone back to bed :) So, I gathered up my courage and thought to myself: one more day... let's see how it goes!
With all the sadness (and anger) in the world, I chose a nice colorful scarf and a matching/contrasting head-piece, and donned my hijab. Then, in a romantic gesture, I looked outside the window to the cloudy sky.
After migrating my wallet, sunglasses, cell phone and keys into a purse that matches my outfit, I grabbed a banana, and left the apartment. I walked down the airy hallway of our award-winning building to the elevators. I pushed the "down" button and waited. "Time for another romantic gesture," I thought. Again, I looked outside the window but this time spoke to God: "You know I am doing this for you! Please give me some of your strength and your patience... or otherwise, let it dawn on me that hijab is not what you want me to wear!"
The elevator doors opened. With a smile on my face, I went in, and started munching on my banana.
The elevator stopped on the 9th floor (I live on the 11th). A nice-looking man walked in, and with a big cheerful voice said: "Good morning! How are you today?"
me - I am doing very well thanks! How about you?
man - Great, thanks! It's getting nice out there... but not quite yet, eh?
me - Yeah! It's nice all week while we're stuck in our offices. Then on the weekend, we are forced to stay home because of the weather!
man - Yeah, I know!
The elevator doors slid open. The man stepped aside, allowing my to pass first.
me- thanks! Have a great day :)
man- yeah, you too!
Shahid, our security guard, was seated in his usual place behind the reception counter. With his huge cheerful smile he greeted the man "Good morning!", then looked at me and said: "Salamu Alaikum, sister! How are you?"
me - Salamu Alaikum, Shahid :) have a great day!
Then... man opened the building door, and waited for me to go through. Right then...
man - Very nice scarf!
me (with a very very big smile) - Thanks! Thank you very much :)
I walked out of the building, looked up to the sky, and cast the guy upstairs a big big smile of gratitude! That should put an end to my uncertainty for some time :)
Yes, I sometimes feel that I have made the wrong decision... yes I have a brain that questions :) can you believe it?
I got up, took a shower, and decided to take it one step at a time.
I combed my hair, put on my cloths, made the bed, put on my shoes... still, the urge was there. I read a few verses of Quran and opened the window to drive some fresh air into the apartment.
I looked outside the open window. The sky was full of clouds, and the weather was not very encouraging. Honestly, if it were up to me, I would have gone back to bed :) So, I gathered up my courage and thought to myself: one more day... let's see how it goes!
With all the sadness (and anger) in the world, I chose a nice colorful scarf and a matching/contrasting head-piece, and donned my hijab. Then, in a romantic gesture, I looked outside the window to the cloudy sky.
After migrating my wallet, sunglasses, cell phone and keys into a purse that matches my outfit, I grabbed a banana, and left the apartment. I walked down the airy hallway of our award-winning building to the elevators. I pushed the "down" button and waited. "Time for another romantic gesture," I thought. Again, I looked outside the window but this time spoke to God: "You know I am doing this for you! Please give me some of your strength and your patience... or otherwise, let it dawn on me that hijab is not what you want me to wear!"
The elevator doors opened. With a smile on my face, I went in, and started munching on my banana.
The elevator stopped on the 9th floor (I live on the 11th). A nice-looking man walked in, and with a big cheerful voice said: "Good morning! How are you today?"
me - I am doing very well thanks! How about you?
man - Great, thanks! It's getting nice out there... but not quite yet, eh?
me - Yeah! It's nice all week while we're stuck in our offices. Then on the weekend, we are forced to stay home because of the weather!
man - Yeah, I know!
The elevator doors slid open. The man stepped aside, allowing my to pass first.
me- thanks! Have a great day :)
man- yeah, you too!
Shahid, our security guard, was seated in his usual place behind the reception counter. With his huge cheerful smile he greeted the man "Good morning!", then looked at me and said: "Salamu Alaikum, sister! How are you?"
me - Salamu Alaikum, Shahid :) have a great day!
Then... man opened the building door, and waited for me to go through. Right then...
man - Very nice scarf!
me (with a very very big smile) - Thanks! Thank you very much :)
I walked out of the building, looked up to the sky, and cast the guy upstairs a big big smile of gratitude! That should put an end to my uncertainty for some time :)
posted by Toujan B. Atari at 6:02 a.m.
3 Comments:
Toots :)))
I salute you for being brave about these thoughts that you actually had the guts to talk about them!
Yes we all have those days, but I never talk about them, I do sometimes have this urge of just going out not wearing my hijab, I sometimes feel that I miss my curly character :)
but I guess this is not bad in a way, it really makes you think why you decided to wear it in the first place instead of just making it your way of dressing...
It was not supposed to be easy, after all we should not be defined by how we look :)
Hang in there sister :)))))
Miss you :)
Hebz
Toot
It takes a lot of courage to put such thoughts into actual words. It is something that I am certain most Muhajabat think about but fear to express. I respect your courage :)
However, the way I deal with it is by continuously confirming to myself the good reason behind wearing it and I go back to the very first reasons I had when I first took that step. Keep those reasons close to your heart.It always helps me.
I can relate to how difficult it is, especially in foreign countries,but we attempt to perform much more difficult acts during our lives and we somehow manage to find a way to tolerate them and live with them;so I guess Hijab is not as difficult as many of the things we had or will come across in our lives.
Be proud of it Toooot.
Missing you
Raghad
Mashalla! I am so impressed. More power to you =) May Allah grant you the highest degrees of heaven!
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